or why I've started telling people my father is dead.
Here's a question for you. If you were having a small talk conversation with a stranger and they said to you "well I don't speak to my father", would you?
A) Assume something bad happened and drop it.
B) Ask "oh, why not"?
You would be surprised how many people decided to go with option B. As if there aren't a thousand good reasons that would be exceptionally awkward to bring up in French class. Or if you could solve the issues I've had with my father for 25 years in the 15 minutes we have in the lunch room.
Don't believe me? Here are some examples:
Setting: French Class, evening.
Fellow Student (man in his 50s): Will you be going on next year?
Me: Actually I'm planning to move to California next year.
FS: Oh, wow, for how long?
Me: (I explain briefly my plans for moving, how long, what I'll do, etc.)
FS: Do you know anyone in California?
Me: Well I was born there, my father still lives there but we don't talk.
FS: That's a shame it would be nice to have someone you know there.
Me: No, it wouldn't he's not a nice person.
FS: Well, it would be good to have someone to stay with.
Me: So, what are you doing next year douche bag.
Setting: Vague family party with many people I don't know.
Some Lady: Oh you have a bit of an accent.
Me: (I so don't but never mind) Yeah I was born in America.
SL: How long have you been here, other dumb questions...
Me: Since I was 4, my mum is Australian she moved back after the divorce, answer other dumb questions.
SL: So do you go back often?
Me: I've been to see my grandmother a couple of times and try to call her when I can.
SL: Oh what about your father.
Me: I'm not in contact with my father.
SL: Why not?
FUCK YOU!
What if the answer was "because he molested me", "he killed my mother" or "well maybe I'll see more of him now Guantanamo Bay is closing"? Wouldn't you assume that worst. Wouldn't you assume that the answer is not fit for small talk, people don't become estranged for shits and giggles its not an easy decision.
To be clear and fair (shudder) to the man that gave me half my DNA he didn't molest me, kill my mother or plan major terrorist attacks against the US (although he does work for one of the companies that ran Abu Ghraib). No my father's crime was that when I moved to Australia he forgot he had a daughter. Except for the times once every 6 months to 3 years he remembers I exist, tells me he loves me, he's sorry gives me the world for a few weeks then gets distracted and breaks all his promices. I decided I was sick of being jerked around and quit.
But despite the fact that the story isn't scandalous or terribly heartbreaking I still don't want to tell it to every random stranger.
So I decided at the end of last year to tell people he died in the Gulf War. My next daddy conversation went much better:
Woman at work: So what are you doing for Christmas?
Me: We only have 8 people, my mother and I will be doing it all.
W@W: What about your father?
Me: Oh my father passed away.
W@W: Oh my God I'm so sorry.
Me: Its OK it was a long time ago I didn't know him that well. So what are you doing for Christmas?
Done and done.
Why are people MORE comfortable with my early loss of a father at war than with a grown woman not talking to someone? Or a better question, why do they have to ask me at all? I don't know people are dumb and don't understand the rules of small talk. But hey, if it makes you feel better he's as dead as a doornail.
Why must strangers insist on solving my life?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I used to tell people that my grandfather died. Problem was, when he died last week I forgot who I told he was already dead. Oops. I'm sure they forgot too.
I also told people that my mom died for a little bit, but as I've grown more comfortable with talking about it, I'll tell the truth. I'm a really open person though. I usually operate under the assumption that if I say something about it, maybe someone who's had a similar experience will know that it's okay, or ask me for help/advice. I operate under the theory that every horrible thing that's happened in my life has happened so that I can use that experience to help other people. Although that could just be the pathetic justifications I cling to because the reality of senseless child abuse is too much for me to handle.
Here's what I'm thinking: people *get* that people die... it's an idea that they're familiar with and understand. And they realise it's likely to be a touchy subject so they don't ask about it.
On the other hand, a lot of people don't really have any concept of the reasons why someone stops speaking to a parent - or family members in general. It's like it doesn't occur to them that you might not want to explain that to a total stranger (!), and they let their curiosity override whatever it is that stops them from asking how your father died, for example...
Post a Comment